Monthly Archives: January 2015

As kids, most of us dreamed about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I wanted to be a fashion model, walking the runways in Paris wearing designer clothes and just being fabulous.

That dream was short lived.

I’m five foot nothing and I like food.

Then I wanted to be on Broadway. I even applied at schools in New York before I realized that I was too practical to chase after something that would never be a sure thing. (I would not be a graceful “starving artist” type.)

So, I went the “practical” route. I enrolled at a school near home and declared my major as Public Relations. I wanted to travel, see the world and meet interesting people. That seemed like the way to do it.

Somewhere along the way, I met J and that all changed. My goals and dreams shifted to make room for our goals and our dreams for our life together. It only seemed reasonable that constant travel would not suffice when we had a family, so my dreams adjusted to fit into our new life.

Jayson always hated when I said that. But, I have never seen it as giving up what I wanted. I believe God changed my heart and allowed me to see a glimpse of what He had in store for my future.

So, for nearly 13 years, every decision I made was with J in mind. What I bought at the grocery. What kind of perfume I wore. What movie we watched. All these things I did with him in mind. He wasn’t controlling. He really could care less, actually. I just wanted to make sure he was happy and he did the same for me.

We still had our own interests independent from one another. He played paintball, golfed and camped with his buddies. I liked to read, shop and hang out with my girlfriends. We both had our own identity, but we were one.

Then he died.

When so much of who you are is wrapped up in another for so long, you become lost without them.

I prided myself on being Kelly, Jayson’s wife. I fed off his energy and passion. Now I’m Kelly, young widow and single mom. I really don’t know this woman at all. She looks like me, but she’s different. She has to be. She doesn’t have her Jayson anymore.

I’m an introvert by nature, but Jayson helped pull out my fun loving side. I am beginning to find that on my own. I’m starting to discover my new identity.

After J went to be with the Lord, I needed some change so, I got my hair done (something I rarely do BC I’m so frugal). I got a tattoo. I bought new clothes and started planning out ways to redecorate my house. I didn’t want to replace Jayson, but so much of what I had always done had been because I was practical. This new Kelly takes risks (after carefully considering what the outcome could be.) She’s adventurous and she speaks her mind.

I don’t have J to stand behind now, so I have to stand up for myself and my children. I have a sarcastic whit that I’ve only ever allowed Jayson to see. Some of my friends have really enjoyed this side of me that I’ve always been a little fearful of. I’ve learned to say no to the things I don’t want to do and to ask for help when I need it. I’ve learned it’s OK to not have all the answers all the time.

I don’t immediately recognize myself these days when I look in the mirror, but I like what I see. Through adversity, God has revealed to me a strong woman who can sail past whatever life throws her way. She’s not fearless, but knows God is in control and that eases those fears. She attempts to fight her battles with grace and wants to show her children that even though this was never a part of the plan, God will make it for His good.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

Proverbs 31:25-26

Thanks y’all!

Kelly

How can one feel alone when surrounded by people?

It’s a strange concept for most, but when you’ve lost the person closest to you it’s something you experience everyday. No one can understand unless they’ve been there and those are the last people you want to turn to because no one wants a reminder of that feeling.

But, how is one supposed to go at this alone?

Who do you cry to when the one who comforted you can’t?

Who do you share your joys, sadness, frustrations with now?

Who can you tell anything to without fear of judgement?

Who’s going to help you make those hard decisions like what color to paint a room or what kind of sandwich meat to buy?

I don’t know the answer to these questions. But if you have these same questions, know you are not alone. Out there is someone feeling the same thing.

Me, for example.

 I definitely do not have it all together and some days I just wish I could pick up the phone to call Jayson “just because.” But I can’t.  I do however, surround myself with friends and family that make me feel safe. I’ve learned that transparency is not all bad. I’ve learned it’s ok to have bad moments or days. It’s ok for my girls to see me cry. It’s even better for them to watch me pick myself up and go on with life. They are learning that there are things in this world that we can’t control, but we don’t have to allow them to control us. I am learning this as well.

So, for those reading this that feel alone and think that no one knows how it feels:

You are never alone. God is holding you and will guide you every step of the way. When you feel lost, take it one breath at a time. You don’t have to have it all figured out. God’s already done that. He knows your pain and He’ll carry you through it if you allow him.

 You may be angry with God and that’s ok too. Yell, tell him how you feel. Throw things. Scream into pillows til your throat hurts (it won’t take long and yes I know this from experience). Then, pick yourself up, THANK HIM for the time you were allowed to spend with HIS child before they were called home and then move forward. That looks different for us all. Don’t expect it to be easy and don’t go at it alone.

Sign up for a Grief Group, journal, talk to your Pastor or a licensed counselor (Check my resources tab). Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t allow yourself to go at it alone. It doesn’t work and we were never meant to be alone anyway.

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. —Deuteronomy 31:8

What could anyone add to this promise? God is with us; He sees despair, and He promises to be with us throughout our seasons of grief.

Hope this little rant helps someone in some way and always feel free to share or comment if you have questions!

Kelly

Ever feel like your living someone else’s life?

Ever look around and wonder “Is this real?”

That’s everyday for me. Nothing is as it was. It’s as if I’m living in a really screwy alternate universe where your worse fears come to pass.

Losing J was my worse fear.

A dear friend of mine lost her husband 9 years ago. She and I have been friends since we were 13 and “odd.” I immediately rushed to her parents house. I didn’t know  if she wanted me there, but I showed up anyway. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t even remember what we talked about. I just remember laying in her parents bed with she and her sister. Thinking of that day makes me tear up. She was 22 and had a 3 month old.

She was the first person I called when J died. It was midnight and I just needed to talk to someone who knew my pain. All I could say was “How do I tell my girls?”  She didn’t have an answer but gave me the best advice anyone has given me :

“You are not crazy. No matter what you do or say or think, remember YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.”

Seems silly that those words were the first thing she said to me, but I very quickly began to  understand what she meant.

I couldn’t make decisions. I forgot to eat. I even forgot to go to the bathroom.  I had people “assigned” to me everyday. They had lists of things I was to accomplish that day. I had a schedule set by my friends, planning my every move. For the first week, I didn’t stay at my own home. Leah and I were shuttled from home to home and looked after by extended family. A schedule was even made for my LuLu and who was in charge of her for the day. I wasn’t in control of my own life and that was fine by me. I didn’t feel competent to care for myself let alone my children.

 When I did go home almost a week and a half after J died, I had people stay with us overnight. It was an adjustment learning how to live without him. Feeding my children, getting them dressed and bathed, keeping their spirits up when mine were down were terribly difficult tasks. Slowly, I weaned myself off the help within about 2 months. The first night I was left alone with my girls, I had to call a friend to ask her what I was going to feed them for dinner. She walked me through what I had in my freezer and we settled on left over chicken and dumplins.

I was simply lost without J.

 Things are getting better though.

I still have trouble making simple decisions, but I can make them. I have days I forget to eat, but not as often. I sometimes hide in my room with the door locked and let my girls fight it out until they realize no one’s gonna stop them. We eat out ALOT, but tonight I cooked breakfast for dinner and burned the bacon.

I’m not perfect, but I’m trying.

I get up every morning and look my worst fear in the face. This is the new reality that I have to live. I’m attempting to make the best of a crappy situation and move forward. However, I’m not sure this feeling of a false reality will ever go away. I hope it does.

I do know a couple of truths though:

I have seen my worst fear and lived to share my experience,

I am stronger than I ever thought possible and….

God is good regardless and always.

We will move forward, overcome and be better because of this struggle.

Kelly

I dreamt about him last night.

It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I’m sad when i wake up. In my dreams I’m aware he’s gone. But, he finds a way back, like it was all just a bad dream.

In my dreams, i can’t let him go. We dance, we laugh, we talk about the girls, it’s wonderful. Last night, we danced to End of the Road by Boyz to Men (90’s kid). He spun me in circles, held me close, playfully dipped me backwards and pretended to drop me… all the things we always did.
I miss dancing in the kitchen. I miss him grabbing me inappropriately in public and saying “what?” like he had no idea. I miss tripping over his boots he’d just leave in the middle of the floor. I miss his laugh. I miss the idea of him cleaning his shotgun the first time a boy shows up to take out our girls. I miss that our girls can’t dance with their daddy anymore. I’m heartbroken that Lauren won’t know what is like to attend the Princess Ball with her Daddy.

I miss the idea of what our life could’ve been.

But, that’s the awesome thing about dreams. For a brief second in time, he’s here. In my dreams, we are together again. In my dreams, I’m whole.

Kelly

It’s 2015! How’d you ring in the new year?

As for me and my girls, we spent it with great friends, lots of food, some play-dough and, of course, arm wrestling!

Are you jealous yet?

Well, it gets even better.

My girlfriends and I had an “Ugly face war” with friends in Ohio through Facebook. We were all winners (if you wanna call us that) and had a wonderful night!

Hope your 2015 brings much joy and laughter!

I will leave you with some pics from the evening (apologizing in advance if our craziness scares you) and will post again soon.

Happy New Year!

Kelly