Ever feel like your living someone else’s life?
Ever look around and wonder “Is this real?”
That’s everyday for me. Nothing is as it was. It’s as if I’m living in a really screwy alternate universe where your worse fears come to pass.
Losing J was my worse fear.
A dear friend of mine lost her husband 9 years ago. She and I have been friends since we were 13 and “odd.” I immediately rushed to her parents house. I didn’t know if she wanted me there, but I showed up anyway. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t even remember what we talked about. I just remember laying in her parents bed with she and her sister. Thinking of that day makes me tear up. She was 22 and had a 3 month old.
She was the first person I called when J died. It was midnight and I just needed to talk to someone who knew my pain. All I could say was “How do I tell my girls?” She didn’t have an answer but gave me the best advice anyone has given me :
“You are not crazy. No matter what you do or say or think, remember YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.”
Seems silly that those words were the first thing she said to me, but I very quickly began to understand what she meant.
I couldn’t make decisions. I forgot to eat. I even forgot to go to the bathroom. I had people “assigned” to me everyday. They had lists of things I was to accomplish that day. I had a schedule set by my friends, planning my every move. For the first week, I didn’t stay at my own home. Leah and I were shuttled from home to home and looked after by extended family. A schedule was even made for my LuLu and who was in charge of her for the day. I wasn’t in control of my own life and that was fine by me. I didn’t feel competent to care for myself let alone my children.
When I did go home almost a week and a half after J died, I had people stay with us overnight. It was an adjustment learning how to live without him. Feeding my children, getting them dressed and bathed, keeping their spirits up when mine were down were terribly difficult tasks. Slowly, I weaned myself off the help within about 2 months. The first night I was left alone with my girls, I had to call a friend to ask her what I was going to feed them for dinner. She walked me through what I had in my freezer and we settled on left over chicken and dumplins.
I was simply lost without J.
Things are getting better though.
I still have trouble making simple decisions, but I can make them. I have days I forget to eat, but not as often. I sometimes hide in my room with the door locked and let my girls fight it out until they realize no one’s gonna stop them. We eat out ALOT, but tonight I cooked breakfast for dinner and burned the bacon.
I’m not perfect, but I’m trying.
I get up every morning and look my worst fear in the face. This is the new reality that I have to live. I’m attempting to make the best of a crappy situation and move forward. However, I’m not sure this feeling of a false reality will ever go away. I hope it does.
I do know a couple of truths though:
I have seen my worst fear and lived to share my experience,
I am stronger than I ever thought possible and….
God is good regardless and always.
We will move forward, overcome and be better because of this struggle.
Kelly