Monthly Archives: January 2017

“Do you ever think you’ll get remarried?”

“Are you dating?”

“Are you gonna date?”

It seems like from the second I became a widow people started asking those questions.

Honestly,  I found them completely rude and inconsiderate for a very long time. That is not a subject to bring up to someone who has just lost their best friend. However,  it has been 2 and a half years,  so here’s some thoughts on the matter:

It’s my life.  I’ll share what I see fit when I want to share it.  That’s not meant to be ugly in the least,  it’s just exhausting to field those questions from my children let alone every well meaning person who knows our situation.

Yep, my girls even ask.

All the time actually.

They wanna know if God is gonna bring them another daddy. Not one to replace their daddy in heaven, but one who can be a physical daddy here. One that they can see and hear and hug. One that will not die while they are little. A daddy like other kids have. It’s not fair that other kids have daddy’s and their’s is in heaven.

Those are all their words, not mine.

It breaks my heart. 

They had something so extraordinary that they long to have it again. I know that we had someone so wonderful that no one could ever fill his shoes.

So,  here’s my honest to God thoughts on dating and marriage to all you who are on the edge of your seats,  biting your nails and awaiting some great wisdom.

In cases such as mine, I don’t believe in soul mates. I believe God sends us people who will make us better just for knowing them. I believe that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever.  I believe that God has got my life in his hands and if there is someone out there for me and my girls that he’ll show up in our lives when he shows up. I’m in no rush and I’m certainly not looking.

Besides, I’m at the gym 3 days a week (I’m actually on a treadmill as I’m composing this), school/work 2 days, dance class 2, gymnastics 2, soccer 3 and at church related functions at least 3 days every week. That’s way more than 7 days a week. Mr “Future Dad/Husband” better show up at one of those places if he wants to catch me. ?

So,  if you know someone who’s lost their spouse or divorced, don’t ask them when they think they’ll be ready to date again.  I promise you,  it’s probably the last thing on their mind. If it’s in the cards for them,  it’ll happen when it happens and when they are face to face with the right person.

My world is very loud these days.

Whether it’s from a television, a radio, children…. There’s always noise.  There’s laughter, crying, lots of whining, but not much silence.

Even in the silence,  my brain can’t shut off. “What should we do? Will LuLu get through a whole day without a meltdown? Will the playroom EVER be clean?”

Then there’s the questions and thoughts about my life.  “Am I living the life God wants for me? Tomorrow I will eat healthier. I will lose the weight I’ve gained, but do I really care?  Will I continue to be lonely?  I’m happy, but could I be happier?  Do I really want to bring someone into our lives?  God, just point me in a direction please. I just don’t even know where to begin.”

Even silence is deafening.

My ears will start ringing as the thoughts just keep flowing.  It helps to write them down,  but they spew out faster than I can think to grab a pen. Then, once I do, they’re gone and I can’t remember what I wanted to write.

I believe I have a best seller in my head,  but it just gets jumbled up with everyday noise.

The times I do slow my thoughts down enough to pen them,  I don’t want to share. I know I have a God given talent when it comes to writing and I want to help others struggling with similar circumstances.  However,  sharing my thoughts makes me more vulnerable to my already close knit community.

Just because I write about it today,  doesn’t mean I want to talk about it tomorrow.

It just means that now, at this precise second,  these thoughts need to be released and once they are I’m free.  Free from the noise they are making in my brain.  It’s just one more traffic jam in my head that’s clearing up.  The ringing slows and,  for a minute,  there’s silence.

Until the next thought, that is.