My world is very loud these days.
Whether it’s from a television, a radio, children…. There’s always noise. There’s laughter, crying, lots of whining, but not much silence.
Even in the silence, my brain can’t shut off. “What should we do? Will LuLu get through a whole day without a meltdown? Will the playroom EVER be clean?”
Then there’s the questions and thoughts about my life. “Am I living the life God wants for me? Tomorrow I will eat healthier. I will lose the weight I’ve gained, but do I really care? Will I continue to be lonely? I’m happy, but could I be happier? Do I really want to bring someone into our lives? God, just point me in a direction please. I just don’t even know where to begin.”
Even silence is deafening.
My ears will start ringing as the thoughts just keep flowing. It helps to write them down, but they spew out faster than I can think to grab a pen. Then, once I do, they’re gone and I can’t remember what I wanted to write.
I believe I have a best seller in my head, but it just gets jumbled up with everyday noise.
The times I do slow my thoughts down enough to pen them, I don’t want to share. I know I have a God given talent when it comes to writing and I want to help others struggling with similar circumstances. However, sharing my thoughts makes me more vulnerable to my already close knit community.
Just because I write about it today, doesn’t mean I want to talk about it tomorrow.
It just means that now, at this precise second, these thoughts need to be released and once they are I’m free. Free from the noise they are making in my brain. It’s just one more traffic jam in my head that’s clearing up. The ringing slows and, for a minute, there’s silence.
Until the next thought, that is.