As kids, most of us dreamed about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I wanted to be a fashion model, walking the runways in Paris wearing designer clothes and just being fabulous.
That dream was short lived.
I’m five foot nothing and I like food.
Then I wanted to be on Broadway. I even applied at schools in New York before I realized that I was too practical to chase after something that would never be a sure thing. (I would not be a graceful “starving artist” type.)
So, I went the “practical” route. I enrolled at a school near home and declared my major as Public Relations. I wanted to travel, see the world and meet interesting people. That seemed like the way to do it.
Somewhere along the way, I met J and that all changed. My goals and dreams shifted to make room for our goals and our dreams for our life together. It only seemed reasonable that constant travel would not suffice when we had a family, so my dreams adjusted to fit into our new life.
Jayson always hated when I said that. But, I have never seen it as giving up what I wanted. I believe God changed my heart and allowed me to see a glimpse of what He had in store for my future.
So, for nearly 13 years, every decision I made was with J in mind. What I bought at the grocery. What kind of perfume I wore. What movie we watched. All these things I did with him in mind. He wasn’t controlling. He really could care less, actually. I just wanted to make sure he was happy and he did the same for me.
We still had our own interests independent from one another. He played paintball, golfed and camped with his buddies. I liked to read, shop and hang out with my girlfriends. We both had our own identity, but we were one.
Then he died.
When so much of who you are is wrapped up in another for so long, you become lost without them.
I prided myself on being Kelly, Jayson’s wife. I fed off his energy and passion. Now I’m Kelly, young widow and single mom. I really don’t know this woman at all. She looks like me, but she’s different. She has to be. She doesn’t have her Jayson anymore.
I’m an introvert by nature, but Jayson helped pull out my fun loving side. I am beginning to find that on my own. I’m starting to discover my new identity.
After J went to be with the Lord, I needed some change so, I got my hair done (something I rarely do BC I’m so frugal). I got a tattoo. I bought new clothes and started planning out ways to redecorate my house. I didn’t want to replace Jayson, but so much of what I had always done had been because I was practical. This new Kelly takes risks (after carefully considering what the outcome could be.) She’s adventurous and she speaks her mind.
I don’t have J to stand behind now, so I have to stand up for myself and my children. I have a sarcastic whit that I’ve only ever allowed Jayson to see. Some of my friends have really enjoyed this side of me that I’ve always been a little fearful of. I’ve learned to say no to the things I don’t want to do and to ask for help when I need it. I’ve learned it’s OK to not have all the answers all the time.
I don’t immediately recognize myself these days when I look in the mirror, but I like what I see. Through adversity, God has revealed to me a strong woman who can sail past whatever life throws her way. She’s not fearless, but knows God is in control and that eases those fears. She attempts to fight her battles with grace and wants to show her children that even though this was never a part of the plan, God will make it for His good.
“She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”
Proverbs 31:25-26
Thanks y’all!
Kelly