Tag Archives: New

“Leah Katherine”

“That is not the correct password. Try again.”

“Leeeahhh Kath-er-ine“

“Password doesn’t match”

“LEEAAHH KATHEERINE”

“Ummm, that’s not the correct password”

That’s what I listened to for almost 20 minutes. LK got a password journal for Christmas and she’s having a hard time getting it unlocked. See, to get into it, you must say the password EXACTLY the same way as when you set it. That’s not easy for most adults, let alone a 6 year old. It can seem to be a near impossible task.

 That’s how Christmas made me feel this year. It just didn’t seem like an easy task to do everything as we’ve always done it. How can you continue doing something exactly the same as always when a huge part of you is gone?

You don’t

You change it up. Mix old traditions in with new. For us, that meant starting from scratch with decorations. I envisioned sitting in my living room floor, crying over boxes of ornaments from years past and never actually getting them put on the tree. Those boxes of decorations, once put out, would have become a shrine to Christmas past and the sentiment contained in them probably would have brought more sadness than joy.

 That’s not how I wanted my girls to remember their first Christmas without daddy. So, LK and I decided we needed a “Frozen” tree and went shopping. We purchased the brightest, whitest tree we saw and adorned it with everything we could find that sparkles. The smiles that followed were enough to convince me that the money spent was well worth it. (My friend, Stephanie, over at  The Yammering Cabin graciously featured us in her Everyday Beautiful Christmas series.)

Daddy helping Leah put the topper on the tree last year.

Mommy helping Leah put the topper on the tree this year.

 We still went and looked at Christmas lights, still baked cookies for Santa and still opened presents on Christmas morning. Yeah, it sucked that Jayson wasn’t there with us, but we can’t put our life on hold. Our girl’s deserve the childhood J and I wanted for them. No one asked for any of this and yes, it is a HUGE loss for my girls and I, but they need as normal of a life as I can give them now.

We did add one new tradition in though, a balloon send off.

The girls (LK) attached had written notes and a card to a dozen balloons and we sent them to heaven as a Christmas present for Daddy and a birthday present for Jesus. We watched them fly away and later in the day, when the sun came out, LK exclaimed that they must have reached heaven because that sun was shinning now.  I hope to continue this new tradition.

 Christmas was good for us. There were no tears, no stress, minimal asking for daddy. My girls and I not only survived the holiday season, but we enjoyed it!

 Life without my J isn’t always easy. I miss him like crazy everyday. Today marks 4 months since he died and I’m not sad. Instead, I am happy that the girls are adjusting so well. I am impressed that we are all actually functioning and moving forward with life. I’m proud to say we have been making new memories without forgetting about the old.

 Our life with J seems distant, yet still within reach. It’s hard to actually believe he’s not coming home, but it’s so reassuring to know he left us surrounded by people who love us and encourage us. It’s amazing the strength God has instilled in me to move forward and still  REALLY LIVE my life. My faith that God’s got this is unfailing and doesn’t waiver.

Maybe that’s why Christmas wasn’t hard. Maybe that’s why I was able to kiss my babies at midnight on New Years without tears.

Maybe, just maybe, God has more in store for my little family then we could ever imagine and this is only the beginning. I can’t keep doing the same old thing. I can’t make two holidays the same. It just isn’t possible anymore. But, I can choose to accept that I can’t replicate the past and choose to enjoy the here and now. I can choose to accept this gift of life God has given us and choose to treasure my memories.

Kelly