Tag Archives: Family

Enough

April 16, 2015 3:35 pm , Leave a Comment ,

Am I good enough?

Am I strong enough?

Am I wise enough?

Am I ENOUGH?

Being a single momma is not easy. I’m constantly second guessing my decisions.

 

“What would Jayson think?”

“How would Jayson handle this?”

 

That’s how I’ve made every decision since he died. It’s exhausting trying to be the voice of two people.

So, guess what? I’m done.

I’m going to stop trying to figure out how Jayson would handle things. It doesn’t really matter anymore. There are other ways I can honor his memory besides trying to make decisions like him. He and I rarely agreed anyway, but his opinion was always so much stronger than mine that he would win out. I did win on the pink nail polish though.

“Every little girl deserves to pick her nail color and hot pink does not make a 2 year old look like a harlet Jayson!”  (That was a real argument….)

Even though I feel completely inadequate and lost most of the time, God did equip me with the knowledge to raise my girls. I may have no idea what I’m doing, but He does.

See, all our life together, Jayson and I prayed we would listen to Gods instruction on how to parent our children. He has a plan for every mistake we’ve already made and the many, many more I’m bound to make on my own.

So far, both girls are healthy, happy, kind, curious, loving, compassionate and they have Jesus in their heart. I really can’t ask for much more than that. I smile when I see them praying for one another and friends that are hurting. Leah has a heart for the homeless and prays that “everybody gets a home and food.” That makes me think we’ve done something right. 

Am I enough? Alone, no. I’m not.

However, I’m not alone. None of us are. We can choose to ask for and accept help. We can be transparent with our struggles. We can give our fears of inadequacy to our Maker and see them for what they are, lies.

I am ENOUGH. 

It may not always feel that way, but I am.

I am ENOUGH.

I can provide my children a loving, God centered home where they will never want for anything or feel alone.

I am ENOUGH.

I don’t always believe it. But I am.

I AM ENOUGH

 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

Posted in: kids and such, Life, Uncategorized , Tagged: , , , ,

Daddy’s Star

February 22, 2015 10:51 pm , 1 Comment ,

 

2015-02-22 19.52.34

Edit:  The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me.  I’ve been in pain,  had an unexpected surgery, and just not in the best place emotionally.  Then,  one night I looked up and “Daddy’s Star” was shinning brighter than it every has.  Of course I bawled,  but then I smiled.  He’s always with us if we just look.  Hope you enjoy reading this, again, because I sure did.  ❤❤

The previous owners of our home had an obsession with glow in the dark stars.  They were on the ceiling of every room in the house.

These oh so delightful people left these wonderful decorations when we bought the house from them. They dug up bushes, took down blinds, but left their precious glow in the dark stars (along with about $500 worth of tires in the attic that we happily put on Craigslist.)

Anyway, I was 7 months pregnant with Leah when we closed and a dear friend took my over dramatic representation of the state of the house to be fact and sent a cleaning party of around 20 people to my house one cold, January morning.

One particular task that was given to our new Pastor was to walk around and take all the stars down. He served this mundane task with pride and a smile. (There’s a pretty good chance he may hate these things after this task.)

A week or so later, Jayson and I were settled in our new home. It didn’t take long to realize that one star still remained right above our bed, on Jayson’s side.

In true Jayson form, he made jokes about it. It was a fun little reminder of having a servants heart and also of the fact that our Pastor was asked to take stars off our ceiling.

When Leah was old enough to notice it, she named it “Daddy’s Star.” Anytime she crawled into bed with us she pointed it out. It was special to her. Then Lauren came along and it was a fun game to find “Daddy’s Star.” We’d climb into our bed and gaze at the ceiling. It’s a small star, so your eyes have to adjust just right to see it. The first child to find it would point up and exclaim “There it is! I found daddy’s star!”

Sometimes J and I would point it out to one another without the girls help. He was fascinated with stars and constellations anyway, so having his own star indoors became an honor. ☺(He was a nerd.)

Now, it’s just me and my girls. They still crawl in my bed and they still make a game out of pointing out daddy’s star. That once little annoying decoration has become a wonderful memory. To find “Daddy’s star” is now not only an accomplishment, but they find comfort in it. It’s simply beautiful how something so silly and ordinary can hold such a strong place in our hearts.

That star being left there was an oversight by our Pastor, but God had a purpose in leaving it there. Every other star is gone but that one has stood strong.

Jay went home to be with the Lord 5 1/2 months ago, but his legacy lives on. We are so blessed by the memories that even the most mundane of things carry. He left us a good life. He left us with family and friends whom he groomed for years to take care of us. He left us knowing we’d be given the strength that only God can give to get us through the darkest moments. His love shines down on us through the stars and back.

His loss has been devastating. But, we know we were meant to be God’s shining light. We will burn bright for all to see and smile right back at the star shining down on us.

Hope you all are having a wonderful week!

Kelly

 

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

Matthew 5:14-16 

 

Posted in: Life, Uncategorized , Tagged: , , , , ,

Stupid Cancer

February 9, 2015 2:56 pm , Leave a Comment ,

It’s been a week.

I wish I had some positive, funny story to share with you, but I don’t.

This week I am heartbroken for more than the normal reasons. I lost a dear friend to cancer this week. She’s fought hard against it for 18 months and I guess God was just ready for her struggle to be done. She has been a huge inspiration to me. Her positivity and strength have shown me how to react in the face of adversity.

She really did make lemonaid with her lemons.

She was the first to comfort me when we got Jayson’s second tumor diagnoses. She advised me on how to properly Google terms related to his surgery so I wouldn’t just see all the doom and gloom, but still stay informed. She held my hand when I cried when though she was facing the same demons. She came to Jayson’s memorial service and comforted me still although she could barely stand. She brushed it off as being tired. She was a wonderful friend.

I somehow mustered the courage to attend her funeral. I thought I’d be fine.

I wasn’t.

I lasted 10 minutes and had to excuse myself. I found a quiet spot across the parking lot and just sat and cried. It was a wonderful release, but I realized being there was too much. I started  hyperventilating. I was an hour from home, I didn’t drive and I didn’t know what to do. A coworker found me and just sat with her arms around me until I was able to compose myself. 

We walked back in and joined the service. It was a beautiful celebration of her life and I made it through the whole thing.

I’m not sure what made me think that wouldn’t happen. My husband just died because of the same stupid thing.

I hate cancer.

I hate how it tears families apart. I hate how it ends friendships. I HATE IT.

Like I said earlier, I wish I had some profound something to say, but I don’t. This is me being angry, bitter and just plain sad.

I’m devastated at the loss of people I love to this horrible beast of a disease. Maybe, one day someone will find a cure. Until then, my prayer for everyone battling it is this: I pray for smiles and strength. I pray God grants you peace and that you know you are loved. I pray you fight the good fight and, if it’s your time, I pray you leave a wonderful legacy of memories behind for your family and friends.

Jayson and Heather most definitely did.

2015-02-07 20.23.36

Kelly

 

Posted in: Uncategorized , Tagged: , , , , , ,

PLANS

January 1, 2015 3:40 pm , Leave a Comment ,

 

http://www.lovethispic.com/image/35759/i-know-the-plans-i-have-for-you

“Leah Katherine”

“That is not the correct password. Try again.”

“Leeeahhh Kath-er-ine“

“Password doesn’t match”

“LEEAAHH KATHEERINE”

“Ummm, that’s not the correct password”

That’s what I listened to for almost 20 minutes. LK got a password journal for Christmas and she’s having a hard time getting it unlocked. See, to get into it, you must say the password EXACTLY the same way as when you set it. That’s not easy for most adults, let alone a 6 year old. It can seem to be a near impossible task.

 That’s how Christmas made me feel this year. It just didn’t seem like an easy task to do everything as we’ve always done it. How can you continue doing something exactly the same as always when a huge part of you is gone?

You don’t

You change it up. Mix old traditions in with new. For us, that meant starting from scratch with decorations. I envisioned sitting in my living room floor, crying over boxes of ornaments from years past and never actually getting them put on the tree. Those boxes of decorations, once put out, would have become a shrine to Christmas past and the sentiment contained in them probably would have brought more sadness than joy.

 That’s not how I wanted my girls to remember their first Christmas without daddy. So, LK and I decided we needed a “Frozen” tree and went shopping. We purchased the brightest, whitest tree we saw and adorned it with everything we could find that sparkles. The smiles that followed were enough to convince me that the money spent was well worth it. (My friend, Stephanie, over at  The Yammering Cabin graciously featured us in her Everyday Beautiful Christmas series.)

IMG_0698

Daddy helping Leah put the topper on the tree last year.

IMG_4206

Mommy helping Leah put the topper on the tree this year.

 We still went and looked at Christmas lights, still baked cookies for Santa and still opened presents on Christmas morning. Yeah, it sucked that Jayson wasn’t there with us, but we can’t put our life on hold. Our girl’s deserve the childhood J and I wanted for them. No one asked for any of this and yes, it is a HUGE loss for my girls and I, but they need as normal of a life as I can give them now.

We did add one new tradition in though, a balloon send off.

The girls (LK) attached had written notes and a card to a dozen balloons and we sent them to heaven as a Christmas present for Daddy and a birthday present for Jesus. We watched them fly away and later in the day, when the sun came out, LK exclaimed that they must have reached heaven because that sun was shinning now.  I hope to continue this new tradition.

20141225_083817

 Christmas was good for us. There were no tears, no stress, minimal asking for daddy. My girls and I not only survived the holiday season, but we enjoyed it!

 Life without my J isn’t always easy. I miss him like crazy everyday. Today marks 4 months since he died and I’m not sad. Instead, I am happy that the girls are adjusting so well. I am impressed that we are all actually functioning and moving forward with life. I’m proud to say we have been making new memories without forgetting about the old.

 Our life with J seems distant, yet still within reach. It’s hard to actually believe he’s not coming home, but it’s so reassuring to know he left us surrounded by people who love us and encourage us. It’s amazing the strength God has instilled in me to move forward and still  REALLY LIVE my life. My faith that God’s got this is unfailing and doesn’t waiver.

Maybe that’s why Christmas wasn’t hard. Maybe that’s why I was able to kiss my babies at midnight on New Years without tears.

Maybe, just maybe, God has more in store for my little family then we could ever imagine and this is only the beginning. I can’t keep doing the same old thing. I can’t make two holidays the same. It just isn’t possible anymore. But, I can choose to accept that I can’t replicate the past and choose to enjoy the here and now. I can choose to accept this gift of life God has given us and choose to treasure my memories.

2014-12-05 06.55.13

Kelly

 

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” –Jeremiah 29:11

Posted in: Uncategorized , Tagged: , , , , ,