Category Archives: Life

The Day She Met Her Favorite

August 31, 2016 11:11 am , Leave a Comment ,

My daughter and I with her fav!

This is Moriah Peters.

She is probably,  without a doubt,  my daughters favorite singer.  Last night,  she FINALLY got to meet her. We’ve attempted to talk to her the last 3 times we were in the same building and it’s for more than just a photo op.

 

So,  in the summer of 2014 I called into a radio show,  gave the phone to LK, and she won a contest.  Her prize?  Moriah Peters’ CD, Brave. That summer,  we listened to the title track on repeat.  Over and over and over and over,  all I heard was:

You make me Brave,  wanna be stronger BRAVE, wanna be bolder BRAVE….

That was our summer anthem. I have videos of my then 6 and 2 year olds belting out these words. It was sweet.

Then,  something horrible happened.

 On September 1, 2014, my husband, my daughters’ daddy, our best friend, went to live with Jesus.

It’s funny how you can listen to a song 5 million times, and never actually HEAR it until you need it.  See, the opening line of the song says “No one told me this would be easy,  but I never knew that it would be this hard.  Oh the worry is weighing on me.  Would you help me break down all these question marks and make me Brave.”

Crazy huh?

Never heard those lyrics before.

 I bawled. Then I got it.  God had been preparing us. He used this song that (if I’m being honest) was beginning to annoy the snot out of me, to teach me that I wasn’t alone. When I actually listened to the lyrics,  I heard that God knew how hard this was gonna be for me and for my children, but that He would equip us with what we needed to move forward.

Funny how a song from a person I only knew from her album cover could convey so much!

I let Leah help with the playlist at her Daddy’s celebration of life and, along with For King & Country’s Fix My Eyes and Moriah’s version of Give Me Jesus, Brave was at the top of her list. It played in rotation during the pre-service encouraging me and reminding me that we’d be ok.

My daughter may not quite get it now,  but one day she’ll understand the impact this song and artist had on her summer and healing. AND last night, I was able to (very briefly) share a tidbit of how God used her in our story with the artist who spoke God’s promise to my family through her song!

How cool is that?!

Wanna know something even more awesome?

God’s timing, that’s what!

 This week marks 2 years since we lost Jay.

Coincidence? I think not?

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Posted in: kids and such, Life, Moriah Peters, Music, Uncategorized

Better Together

August 8, 2015 12:44 pm , Leave a Comment ,

11 months today (not today, today. August 1st), around 10pm, my Jayson took his last breath. The support that followed from family, friends and even complete strangers was something I never could’ve dreamt of. From cleaning my house and taking care of my children to making sure we were fed, our community took care of our every need.

Then, the mailbox started to fill up with letters and cards. Flowers filled my home. They were kind gestures, but I resented them. Most of the plants, I gave away. The cards were thrown in a box, never again to see the light of day, or so I thought.

In a recent conversation with a friend, she asked if I had read the cards yet. Of course not! I hadn’t given them a second thought since the majority of them were thrown across my home in fits of anger, then eventually, placed in a box for safe keeping because I did appreciate that people cared enough to send one.

Her question peeked my curiosity.

I couldn’t remember who attended his memorial service, let alone those who sent cards and flowers. I can’t even remember if I sent thank you cards or even acknowledged receiving anything! That was a dark time and I assume (really, I’m hoping) no one was offended by my lack of gratitude at that time.

I climbed into the top of Jayson’s freshly packed up closet and dug out the picture box that held everything that was given to me. There were beautiful poems, bible verses written on slips of paper, cards from the flowers, (that I had no idea I had saved) and an endless sea of envelopes. Way too many to open and read in one sitting. So, I reached in and grabbed just one.

It was from my mom.

I remember looking at it when it was handed to me originally. I did read it, but didn’t see the words. I didn’t “see” anything at that time. Reading this card reminded me of how much I’ve missed this past year. I was present, but I was indifferent. Nothing had really made me happy. I hadn’t experienced real joy.

Then, at some point a few months ago, something clicked. A fog was lifted and life began again. No more auto pilot. No more “what am I doing.” My eyes were opened and I was finally adapting to my “new normal” (I hate that phrase by the way…)

This past weekend, Jayson would have been 33.

I could’ve just ignored it like I did Father’s Day, but that just didn’t seem right. This was the day my best friend, my husband, Leah and Lauren’s daddy, was born! It truly was a day to celebrate, so we did. I wanted to invite everyone who had been here for us this past year, but my street couldn’t hold that many cars. The girls and I rented a water slide, my sister in law filled a pool with water balloons, my girls baked and decorated a cake (on their own), Jayson’s mom and sister drove in from New Mexico. We ate good food, laughed and reminisced. The kids were non-stop. It was wonderful!

At the end of the party, we released balloons. During the party, guests wrote messages to J on them. Some were super heartfelt, some were silly inside jokes. We sang Happy Birthday, then sent our birthday greetings to heaven.

Releasing balloons for Jayson's birthday.

Releasing balloons for Jayson’s birthday.

There were some tears shed. Even some of the manly men couldn’t hold them back. It was a beautiful expression of the love so many shared for my husband.

We watched as 30 something balloons floated to him, amazed that they all stayed together. Not one drifted from the others. In hindsight, those balloons were just mimicking what those who released them have learned: You’re stronger together then you will ever be alone.

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I am so thankful for everyone who has been there for my family, offered kind words, took my girls on play dates, called, sent cards and flowers, showed up on my doorstep, ect. There’s no possible way we could have gotten through this past year without you. Thank you all so very much for the blessing of your friendships and mostly, thank you all for your support and never giving up on us!

Thanks for checking in y’all!!!

Kelly

 

 

 

Posted in: kids and such, Life, Uncategorized

Father’s Day

June 21, 2015 7:28 pm , 1 Comment ,

 

It’s here.

FATHER’S DAY.

The day my children are reminded ALL DAY LONG that their daddy is not with them.

This past week has been a very difficult week. We’ve had meltdowns, angry outbursts, crying for daddy in the middle of the night, and lots of sadness. I did NOT want today to be a continuation of this emotional week. Jayson was an AMAZING daddy. His girls adored him with every ounce of their being. He was silly. He loved to pick at them. There has always been way more laughter in our home than there has been tears. I wanted to honor that, not sit around and mope.

So, I made plans. The girls and I were going to spend the day at a water park with family. But, that fell through, so I woke up this morning trying to decide what to do. It didn’t have to be something grand, but it had to be fun. I decided to call my mom and take the girls to the new American Girl Store. It was the one place I knew we wouldn’t run into lots of daddy’s on Father’s Day. We skipped church (because, let’s face it, making a craft for your father when he’s in Heaven is not really all that awesome) and headed off. I made a big deal about getting to look at everything in the store and eating cupcakes with our dolls, Kit and Wild Style (Can you guess who owns Wild Style?). I even told Leah they might be able to get the twin dolls, but we’d have to see.

Well, guess what? You can’t get a reservation at a Bistro on the same day. Even if it is Father’s Day. I guess other single mom’s had the same idea.

I was bummed, but, we were gonna make the best of it. So, we had a lunch of pizza and Japanese in the food court (2 of J’s favorites) then started our adventure into American Girl with two 3 year olds, a 7 and 13 year old and 3 adults.

Having never stepped foot in that place, I was in awe! So girlie and fun! They had everything! I’m so glad I had other’s with me to help keep an eye on my kids because I was enjoying looking at the dolls and their accessories. I really wanted to get the Girl of the Year, Grace, (for the girl’s, of course) but can’t just buy one doll for 2 girls…. sadness. Anyway, LuLu tried on dresses in the “Princess Dressing Room” and had to touch everything she saw. Leah wanted it all too and kept trying to talk me into carry bags for her doll and puppies because they need pets! I spent almost as much as I spend on myself for Kit and Wild Style at the Spa. Wild Style really needed it though, her hair was horrific! Kit was pretty with her new braid that Leah meticulously chose. LuLu squealed with excitement as the stylest finished tying ribbons in Wild Style’s hair.

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We hung around the store for what seemed like hours before Leah reminded me I said we could look at the twin dolls. I called Lauren over and they each got to pick their own. Those dolls, although still not cheap, are half the price of the others so I was reasoning with myself in my head that it was ok. I’m pretty frugal. The dolls my girl’s have were bought by other people. But, I figured it was ok because this was a special day of sorts.

While reasoning it out in my head and trying to convince myself it was ok, I did something I rarely do in public. I told the sales lady helping us that today was our first Father’s Day without daddy, that we lost him in September and that I was just trying to make it a good day for my babies. I don’t tell people about my life in random, everyday conversations. I don’t want people to feel sorry for us. But, for some reason, I told this random woman at the American Girl store while my girls were picking out their new dolls.

 

Well, the most extraordinary thing happened.

She went to the back as we anxiously awaited our newest babies and came back with not only the babies, but reservations for the Bistro as well! She said that my story touched her so much that she wanted to do something for us, so they arranged for my family to have desserts on THEM! How amazing is that?!? I totally hugged her. I had woken up with the idea of cupcakes with their dolls on Father’s Day and this kind lady made it happen!

LuLu was so overjoyed about her pink cupcake and sprinkles that she shared them with her new baby “Pi” (I’m calling her Penelope). Lulu and Pi were both COVERED in pink icing by the time she was through. Wild Style enjoyed some vanilla ice cream. Both dolls were lucky enough to have LuLu lick their faces of the sugary treats while Leah carefully decorated both her cupcakes with perfection before she ate them.

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It was a wonderful day. I’m so thankful for the kindness that was shown to my family today from everyone we encountered. It was a day filled with laughter, excitement and lots of pink cupcakes. If Jayson can’t be here to celebrate with us, I think our adventure today was a great plan B. Father’s Day without Daddy wasn’t near as sad as I thought it would be. Maybe pink cupcakes at the American Girl Bistro will be our new tradition.

 

Happy Father’s Day to all you Dad’s out there and also to all you Momma’s who are pulling double duty. Try to keep it fun!

Kelly

IMAG0928-01I was totally holding Lulu’s hand down in this picture! She was trying to hold a menu in front of her face!

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Posted in: kids and such, Life, Uncategorized , Tagged: , ,

Enough

April 16, 2015 3:35 pm , Leave a Comment ,

Am I good enough?

Am I strong enough?

Am I wise enough?

Am I ENOUGH?

Being a single momma is not easy. I’m constantly second guessing my decisions.

 

“What would Jayson think?”

“How would Jayson handle this?”

 

That’s how I’ve made every decision since he died. It’s exhausting trying to be the voice of two people.

So, guess what? I’m done.

I’m going to stop trying to figure out how Jayson would handle things. It doesn’t really matter anymore. There are other ways I can honor his memory besides trying to make decisions like him. He and I rarely agreed anyway, but his opinion was always so much stronger than mine that he would win out. I did win on the pink nail polish though.

“Every little girl deserves to pick her nail color and hot pink does not make a 2 year old look like a harlet Jayson!”  (That was a real argument….)

Even though I feel completely inadequate and lost most of the time, God did equip me with the knowledge to raise my girls. I may have no idea what I’m doing, but He does.

See, all our life together, Jayson and I prayed we would listen to Gods instruction on how to parent our children. He has a plan for every mistake we’ve already made and the many, many more I’m bound to make on my own.

So far, both girls are healthy, happy, kind, curious, loving, compassionate and they have Jesus in their heart. I really can’t ask for much more than that. I smile when I see them praying for one another and friends that are hurting. Leah has a heart for the homeless and prays that “everybody gets a home and food.” That makes me think we’ve done something right. 

Am I enough? Alone, no. I’m not.

However, I’m not alone. None of us are. We can choose to ask for and accept help. We can be transparent with our struggles. We can give our fears of inadequacy to our Maker and see them for what they are, lies.

I am ENOUGH. 

It may not always feel that way, but I am.

I am ENOUGH.

I can provide my children a loving, God centered home where they will never want for anything or feel alone.

I am ENOUGH.

I don’t always believe it. But I am.

I AM ENOUGH

 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

Posted in: kids and such, Life, Uncategorized , Tagged: , , , ,

Daddy’s Star

February 22, 2015 10:51 pm , 1 Comment ,

 

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Edit:  The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me.  I’ve been in pain,  had an unexpected surgery, and just not in the best place emotionally.  Then,  one night I looked up and “Daddy’s Star” was shinning brighter than it every has.  Of course I bawled,  but then I smiled.  He’s always with us if we just look.  Hope you enjoy reading this, again, because I sure did.  ❤❤

The previous owners of our home had an obsession with glow in the dark stars.  They were on the ceiling of every room in the house.

These oh so delightful people left these wonderful decorations when we bought the house from them. They dug up bushes, took down blinds, but left their precious glow in the dark stars (along with about $500 worth of tires in the attic that we happily put on Craigslist.)

Anyway, I was 7 months pregnant with Leah when we closed and a dear friend took my over dramatic representation of the state of the house to be fact and sent a cleaning party of around 20 people to my house one cold, January morning.

One particular task that was given to our new Pastor was to walk around and take all the stars down. He served this mundane task with pride and a smile. (There’s a pretty good chance he may hate these things after this task.)

A week or so later, Jayson and I were settled in our new home. It didn’t take long to realize that one star still remained right above our bed, on Jayson’s side.

In true Jayson form, he made jokes about it. It was a fun little reminder of having a servants heart and also of the fact that our Pastor was asked to take stars off our ceiling.

When Leah was old enough to notice it, she named it “Daddy’s Star.” Anytime she crawled into bed with us she pointed it out. It was special to her. Then Lauren came along and it was a fun game to find “Daddy’s Star.” We’d climb into our bed and gaze at the ceiling. It’s a small star, so your eyes have to adjust just right to see it. The first child to find it would point up and exclaim “There it is! I found daddy’s star!”

Sometimes J and I would point it out to one another without the girls help. He was fascinated with stars and constellations anyway, so having his own star indoors became an honor. ☺(He was a nerd.)

Now, it’s just me and my girls. They still crawl in my bed and they still make a game out of pointing out daddy’s star. That once little annoying decoration has become a wonderful memory. To find “Daddy’s star” is now not only an accomplishment, but they find comfort in it. It’s simply beautiful how something so silly and ordinary can hold such a strong place in our hearts.

That star being left there was an oversight by our Pastor, but God had a purpose in leaving it there. Every other star is gone but that one has stood strong.

Jay went home to be with the Lord 5 1/2 months ago, but his legacy lives on. We are so blessed by the memories that even the most mundane of things carry. He left us a good life. He left us with family and friends whom he groomed for years to take care of us. He left us knowing we’d be given the strength that only God can give to get us through the darkest moments. His love shines down on us through the stars and back.

His loss has been devastating. But, we know we were meant to be God’s shining light. We will burn bright for all to see and smile right back at the star shining down on us.

Hope you all are having a wonderful week!

Kelly

 

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

Matthew 5:14-16 

 

Posted in: Life, Uncategorized , Tagged: , , , , ,