Author Archives: Kelly

How can one feel alone when surrounded by people?

It’s a strange concept for most, but when you’ve lost the person closest to you it’s something you experience everyday. No one can understand unless they’ve been there and those are the last people you want to turn to because no one wants a reminder of that feeling.

But, how is one supposed to go at this alone?

Who do you cry to when the one who comforted you can’t?

Who do you share your joys, sadness, frustrations with now?

Who can you tell anything to without fear of judgement?

Who’s going to help you make those hard decisions like what color to paint a room or what kind of sandwich meat to buy?

I don’t know the answer to these questions. But if you have these same questions, know you are not alone. Out there is someone feeling the same thing.

Me, for example.

 I definitely do not have it all together and some days I just wish I could pick up the phone to call Jayson “just because.” But I can’t.  I do however, surround myself with friends and family that make me feel safe. I’ve learned that transparency is not all bad. I’ve learned it’s ok to have bad moments or days. It’s ok for my girls to see me cry. It’s even better for them to watch me pick myself up and go on with life. They are learning that there are things in this world that we can’t control, but we don’t have to allow them to control us. I am learning this as well.

So, for those reading this that feel alone and think that no one knows how it feels:

You are never alone. God is holding you and will guide you every step of the way. When you feel lost, take it one breath at a time. You don’t have to have it all figured out. God’s already done that. He knows your pain and He’ll carry you through it if you allow him.

 You may be angry with God and that’s ok too. Yell, tell him how you feel. Throw things. Scream into pillows til your throat hurts (it won’t take long and yes I know this from experience). Then, pick yourself up, THANK HIM for the time you were allowed to spend with HIS child before they were called home and then move forward. That looks different for us all. Don’t expect it to be easy and don’t go at it alone.

Sign up for a Grief Group, journal, talk to your Pastor or a licensed counselor (Check my resources tab). Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t allow yourself to go at it alone. It doesn’t work and we were never meant to be alone anyway.

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. —Deuteronomy 31:8

What could anyone add to this promise? God is with us; He sees despair, and He promises to be with us throughout our seasons of grief.

Hope this little rant helps someone in some way and always feel free to share or comment if you have questions!

Kelly

Ever feel like your living someone else’s life?

Ever look around and wonder “Is this real?”

That’s everyday for me. Nothing is as it was. It’s as if I’m living in a really screwy alternate universe where your worse fears come to pass.

Losing J was my worse fear.

A dear friend of mine lost her husband 9 years ago. She and I have been friends since we were 13 and “odd.” I immediately rushed to her parents house. I didn’t know  if she wanted me there, but I showed up anyway. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t even remember what we talked about. I just remember laying in her parents bed with she and her sister. Thinking of that day makes me tear up. She was 22 and had a 3 month old.

She was the first person I called when J died. It was midnight and I just needed to talk to someone who knew my pain. All I could say was “How do I tell my girls?”  She didn’t have an answer but gave me the best advice anyone has given me :

“You are not crazy. No matter what you do or say or think, remember YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.”

Seems silly that those words were the first thing she said to me, but I very quickly began to  understand what she meant.

I couldn’t make decisions. I forgot to eat. I even forgot to go to the bathroom.  I had people “assigned” to me everyday. They had lists of things I was to accomplish that day. I had a schedule set by my friends, planning my every move. For the first week, I didn’t stay at my own home. Leah and I were shuttled from home to home and looked after by extended family. A schedule was even made for my LuLu and who was in charge of her for the day. I wasn’t in control of my own life and that was fine by me. I didn’t feel competent to care for myself let alone my children.

 When I did go home almost a week and a half after J died, I had people stay with us overnight. It was an adjustment learning how to live without him. Feeding my children, getting them dressed and bathed, keeping their spirits up when mine were down were terribly difficult tasks. Slowly, I weaned myself off the help within about 2 months. The first night I was left alone with my girls, I had to call a friend to ask her what I was going to feed them for dinner. She walked me through what I had in my freezer and we settled on left over chicken and dumplins.

I was simply lost without J.

 Things are getting better though.

I still have trouble making simple decisions, but I can make them. I have days I forget to eat, but not as often. I sometimes hide in my room with the door locked and let my girls fight it out until they realize no one’s gonna stop them. We eat out ALOT, but tonight I cooked breakfast for dinner and burned the bacon.

I’m not perfect, but I’m trying.

I get up every morning and look my worst fear in the face. This is the new reality that I have to live. I’m attempting to make the best of a crappy situation and move forward. However, I’m not sure this feeling of a false reality will ever go away. I hope it does.

I do know a couple of truths though:

I have seen my worst fear and lived to share my experience,

I am stronger than I ever thought possible and….

God is good regardless and always.

We will move forward, overcome and be better because of this struggle.

Kelly

I dreamt about him last night.

It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I’m sad when i wake up. In my dreams I’m aware he’s gone. But, he finds a way back, like it was all just a bad dream.

In my dreams, i can’t let him go. We dance, we laugh, we talk about the girls, it’s wonderful. Last night, we danced to End of the Road by Boyz to Men (90’s kid). He spun me in circles, held me close, playfully dipped me backwards and pretended to drop me… all the things we always did.
I miss dancing in the kitchen. I miss him grabbing me inappropriately in public and saying “what?” like he had no idea. I miss tripping over his boots he’d just leave in the middle of the floor. I miss his laugh. I miss the idea of him cleaning his shotgun the first time a boy shows up to take out our girls. I miss that our girls can’t dance with their daddy anymore. I’m heartbroken that Lauren won’t know what is like to attend the Princess Ball with her Daddy.

I miss the idea of what our life could’ve been.

But, that’s the awesome thing about dreams. For a brief second in time, he’s here. In my dreams, we are together again. In my dreams, I’m whole.

Kelly

It’s 2015! How’d you ring in the new year?

As for me and my girls, we spent it with great friends, lots of food, some play-dough and, of course, arm wrestling!

Are you jealous yet?

Well, it gets even better.

My girlfriends and I had an “Ugly face war” with friends in Ohio through Facebook. We were all winners (if you wanna call us that) and had a wonderful night!

Hope your 2015 brings much joy and laughter!

I will leave you with some pics from the evening (apologizing in advance if our craziness scares you) and will post again soon.

Happy New Year!

Kelly

My love affair with Brad Paisley began in my Senior year of high school. I was a hopeless romantic and would daydream about him singing to me and only me. There was just something about his voice. I’ve never swooned over a celebrity, but he’s one that may just leave me speechless if we ever met.

Jayson knew this when we met. He knew early in our relationship that I would leave him for Brad Paisley if ever the opportunity arose.

In college, Jayson worked for a security firm in Nashville. He was somewhat of a veteran there, so he was put in the best spots. Every year he worked backstage at the CMA’s and he was never afraid to speak to any of the artists. Many of them remembered him from year to year and J was always impressed by that.

One particular year, very early in our relationship, he was backstage when he ran into….. Brad Paisley. A lesser man would’ve done something like pour dish detergent in his drink so bubbles would come out when he sang (Little Rascals reference). Not my J. With no jealousy or worry at all, he walked right up to Brad Paisley and said, “Mr Paisley, my girlfriend just loves you. She swears she’s gonna marry you one day.”

Brad Paisley then said the words that forever changed my life:

“No. Tell her she’s supposed to marry you.”

So there it is folks. I owe Brad Paisley a big thank you for contributing to the best ten years of my life.

Jayson probably still would have asked me to marry him and I still probably would have said yes, however, it’s always been a wonderful story to tell. I married my husband because Brad Paisley said so and it was the most wonderful advice ever given so, thank you Brad Paisley!

*On a side note, I’m not a crazy stalker Mr Paisley. So, if you ever read this and wanna hook me up with tickets to a concert and maybe some meet and greet passes, I promise to be completely normal and chill. Also, our kids are about the same age and mine are available for play dates anytime!

Thanks for reading my blog all!

Kelly

If you are a subscriber, make sure you subscribe to www.tiltedpicture.com that’s my new domain!

I originally published this a few days back, but something went crazy and deleted a couple of my posts. I was able to dig this one up 🙂 Thank goodness! So, here it is again. Happy Reading!

As I lay here attempting to sleep, these are the things running through my head:

LuLu poured water in MY bed right where I lay! Great…

Why won’t my children sleep in their own beds? “Your feet do not belong on your sister’s head!”

Who ate a pop tart in my bed? 

“Stop picking your nose and wiping it on your sister!”

I haven’t washed my hair in a week!

“Mom! Lauren just put a booger on me!”

It is 10:00pm! Why are my children still awake?!?!

“Lauren just bit me!”

It’s 32° outside. Why won’t my dog come in? (Probably because she knows she’ll sleep better outside where no one’s flicking boogers on anyone. Seriously, am I raising monkeys?)

Why is she talking to herself? 

I roll over to find my youngest “counting” her toes.

“I got this one and this one and that one and this one.”

Then it hits me as I stared into her sweet little eyes. They are all I have left of their daddy. These girls are him. I no longer get to fall asleep next to my best friend, but at least I have our babies. I may get flustered and sometimes hug them a little to tight to keep from pulling my own hair out, but I wouldn’t have them any other way. I may think I want my bed back, but the truth is, it’s comforting for all of us.  Who cares if they sleep with me until they leave for college? Right?… I believe we all need this bit of extra security right now and one day I’ll wish for this back. So, for now I’ll take the biting and boogers along with the giggles and snuggles. And, if I’m lucky, one day maybe I’ll get some sleep again. Good night all!

Kelly

There was a day, not long ago, when my kids were angels. Everyone said please and thank you, they played together all day and never argued, no one broke anything, spilled their drink in my new car and they ate exactly what I gave them. That day, I went to the grocery store and ran all my errands with no meltdowns and no one looked at me like I was the worst mother in the store because there was no reason for it. We all got along, no one got their feelings hurt and everything went according to plan.

Haha! Are you kidding me? Sounds great though, huh?

I dream of the day I don’t do something to damage my girls. I have an interesting sense of humor. The girls and I were out shopping with my SIL the other day at Kohl’s and for some reason, my LuLu was mesmerized by every thing Pluto (Mickey’s dog, not the once planet) she saw. It was really quite adorable. That same trip, LK carried a Lego book around and was enthralled with it. She loves to read. When we were checking out, I told her I wasn’t buying it (little did she know, I did and it’s under the tree). She told me I always say no to everything, so I said yes to the stuffed Pluto LuLu was loving on. LK didn’t realize I let her have it until we got to the car.

“That’s not fair!” She cried. “Why does LuLu get something and I don’t?”

I said the first thing that popped into my head:

“It’s because she’s cuter than you”. (I thought my SIL was gonna drop my youngest from shock)

LK was semi in shock. I let that sink into her 6-year-old brain while I buckled her in.

“Is LuLu really cuter than me?”

“Well look at her sweetie.She’s just downright adorable! But, you’re my favorite,” I whispered into her ear as a big ole cheesy grin appeared on her face.

“But, I’m still cute though, right?”

“You are, but I can only have one cute one and one favorite. I’m not allowed to make one both and even if I did, I couldn’t tell you.”

“It’s me, they both yelled.”

It was fun. Weeks later, I’m still using the cute one and favorite one as names for them. It annoys LK, but I figure whatever I’m doing to screw them up, therapy will fix, eventually.

So, for all of you competing for Momma of the Year, good luck with that. I’ll be that mom in the grocery with the screaming kids, pinching one another and making a scene. Try not to be jealous of my awesomeness and remember, We all have mom fails EVERYDAY, but as long as you are raising them the way God has instructed (and they’re still breathing) you are doing a great job!

 Give yourself a pat on the back and some grace. 

Kelly

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

Numb.:

“Christmas is gonna be hard this year.”

“I just need to make it through the holidays.”

Numb.

“Momma, I miss my Daddy.”

“Where’s my Daddy?”

“I just want my Daddy.”

NUMB, NUMB, NUMB, NUMB, NUMB!!!!!

Except today. Today has been tears and more tears. Today, there’s no numbness, there’s just lots of stress and sadness.

I have 2 sick children. They’ve both been puny for the past week. In the early hours of the morning they both woke up in tears. One had severe ear pain and the other just screamed for hours and couldn’t tell me why. My first thought was to meltdown with them, but at 2am that accomplishes nada. So, after a brief battle with  “I can’t do this” and “I wish J were here” I went numb. It’s something I just channel somehow. It seems to be my coping mechanism.

 Needless to say, none of us slept well at all. However, we all need consistency, so off to school, work and the sitter we went.

 An hour into my work day, I got “the call.”  What makes this situation worse is that we STILL don’t have insurance. I’ve been hounding the insurance call center since September with no luck. I can take my kids to the Dr, but out if pocket expenses can really add up.

 I hit my breaking point.

I was done.

I said some less than pleasant things to the insurance call center rep on the other end of the line while he tried his darndest to talk over me. They tell you nothing and talk in circles. It’s so frustrating! I wish I could numb myself to them… I think I will write my congressman.

 Any who….

Although it helps me function, this numbness isn’t always good. People have been so kind and generous to my children and I.  I’m always sincere in my gratitude, but I’m numb.

“Thank you for the card. It was beautiful” (polite smile).

“Thank you for including us in your outing” (another polite smile).

“That gift was very thoughtful” (yet another polite smile)….

 Maybe you get the picture. I can’t respond to things with the emotion I once had. I think it makes others believe I am ungrateful. As if I didn’t care about their generosity .

 This numbness keeps my guard up. I’m not the person I was 3 months ago. I can’t remember to call. I don’t always return texts. I don’t have time for nonsense and hurt feelings. I really don’t do small talk anymore and I’m more apt to keep to myself. It’s not that I’m trying to be insensitive, I just really don’t think anything of it. I have children that need me and they come first. Everyone and everything else is put on the back burner.

I’m numb.

I’m not numb because of the holidays. I’m numb because I lost part of me. I’m this way everyday. I know I’ll “get through” Christmas because I’ve gotten through everyday for the past 3 months he’s been gone. Christmas is just another day, just like Thanksgiving was. Sure, I love the meaning. Yes, I celebrate our Savior’s  birth and I am passing the true meaning on to my girls, but I have yet to understand why such an emphasis is put on the holidays and getting through them.

 I miss him EVERYDAY. I have to explain to a 2-year-old EVERYDAY that her Daddy’s in Heaven. I have to muster up the strength to console my hurting 6-year-old EVERYDAY.  We make new memories without him EVERYDAY. I am trying to figure out who I am without Jayson EVERYDAY.

What’s one day worth of memories when I have the loss staring me in the face EVERYDAY?

AND…. I guess that’s why I’m numb. Who could deal with all this from day-to-day while feeling EVERYTHING? It would drive you crazy. You’d need superpowers!  I cried when I heard an endearing story about someone helping a homeless man get back on his feet, but I didn’t when someone unexpectedly left gifts on my porch for my children. That bothered me.

Maybe I’m just numb to my own circumstance, or maybe God has just equipped me with what I need, when I need it so I can cope with mine and my children’s new season of life with some sort of grace. I don’t know. But, whatever it is, I know HE has given it to me and I will graciously accept it and glorify HIM through this storm and hopefully my family can be some kind of encouragement to others going through similar circumstances.

Thanks Y’all!

Kelly

“He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”  †Psalm 91:4