Author Archives: Kelly

It’s 10 o’clock pm and 33 degrees outside.

I’m standing behind my open kitchen door patiently waiting for my big dog to walk through the threshold so I can go to bed.

My toes are getting numb from the cold.

I decide to shut the door.

I make one last attempt to get her in by hollaring out “it’s cold. I know you don’t wanna sleep out here!” She looks at me, annoyed. My presence is interrupting her barking at nothing. I shut the door, turn the light out and look through the blinds only to find her sniffing at the door.

YES! She wants in!

Thank the Lord. Don’t wanna puppy pop in the morning.

So, I open the door. She sticks her head in and duck’s right back out in the cold. This goes on for quite some time. Each time I tell her I’m not opposed to allowing her to sleep outside and each time she thinks about coming in, then chooses the cold instead. I only want what’s best for her. She has a comfy bed here in her nice warm house, but she chooses the unknown of sleeping out in the cold verses the warmth and security of her home. I wish I could make her come in, but she’s 70 lbs of pure muscle and stubborn.

Think about that whole silly story for a minute.

It’s not just some silly tale about my dog. Although this scenario plays out nightly in my home, it can also serve as an example of our relationship with God.

He guides us down certain paths for our lives and we don’t always listen when he explains where to go. We are reluctant to rely on God to handle our finances, that job loss, that relationship that needs mending, our pain.

We can fix it ourself, right? We know better than God!

Haha! WRONG!

God gave us fee will, but when we live by His will, the choices we make ultimately lead us to the same path. We just get to choose which way to go, the straight and narrow or the windy road? The easy way or the hard way. The funny thing is, the “easy” way can some times be harder. It’s not always easy to do the right thing. Is hard to admit your wrong or to forgive someone who hurt you. Those are the very things however, that can bring you closer to what God has in store for you.

 So, don’t be like my dog and sleep out in the cold. Come in and welcome all that is waiting in you.

Tonight, I beat my punching bag until my knuckles hurt. It didn’t help. I tried thinking it was Jayson and I was angry that he left me. But, that didn’t make me feel better either. So, I kicked it as hard as I could just to attempt to get the  frustration and pain out. But it didn’t work. The pain is still there.

I’m learning that I hate this process.

For months I have been perfectly numb. Yes, I have my bad days, but I have had way more good ones. The numbness was like a bubble of protection shielding me from the brunt of the heartache and for some reason, that stupid bubble decided to pop and let all these emotions just creep up on me unexpected. I’m now, what I’ve deemed, “weepy.”

Everything makes me cry. It sucks.

I have arrived at my second stage of grief: bargaining/guilt.

Lucky for me, there’s no set time period or order these stages go in. Tomorrow, I could go right back into denial or being numb, but the sad fact is that I know I have to go through all these stages to process my grief and to be healthy and semi whole again. I may not like it, but I know it’s necessary. I fight the feelings of guilt and the what if’s that pass through my head and remind myself that I did what I was supposed to do. I didn’t do anything wrong. God knew the day and the hour he was going to call Jayson home and nothing I could’ve done would have stopped it. God’s plan is perfect, mine is flawed and no matter what I want or think, it’ll never be the other way around.

So, for now I’m weepy. I’m just trying hard to find the joy in everyday life, smile at strangers and not break down in the middle of the grocery store. It’s not easy, but what journey is?

Signing off for now,

Weepy, the dwarf who felt too much

I should change the screen saver on my phone. But, I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s a picture of Jayson and I when we first started dating. Smiling, happy, no worries, no one was sick. We were just us, hanging out at a pizza place with my sister. I don’t remember much else about that night, but that picture is all the memory I need.

That seems like a lifetime ago.

When I see pictures of Jayson, I feel as if someone else has taken over that life. It’s not mine anymore. Did that really happen? Were we really that happy? Did I really lay beside my best friend and the father of my children and feel him take his last breath? Surely that didn’t happen. He’s just at work. Any minute he’ll walk through the door, plop down in his chair and have our babies snuggling with him. Right?

My mind loves to play tricks on me.

It sucks.

I’m constantly reminding myself this is real life. This did happen and I am a strong woman who just continues to move forward. I can do this. J would be amazed by my strength and he would be beaming with pride.

It’s funny how looking down at a picture on my phone can spark so much emotion. Maybe I’ll leave it. It helps remind me I’m not going crazy. It let’s me know my life is real. But, most of all, it reminds me that true happiness and love exists and even if I never find that again, God allowed me to experience it and for that I’m grateful.

Now, I’m late for work and I’m sure the ladies in my office would appreciate me in the building instead of updating my blog from my car. Sometimes, you just have to stop and feel what you feel though. Have a great day y’all and Happy Friday! Sorry if I made you cry.

Kelly

*A friend just shared this quote with me. 

The world is all a buzz about this stupid dress. Is it blue and black or white and gold?

Wanna know my opinion?

I think it’s a distraction from something bigger. Someone’s attempting to cover up a bigger issue by spreading this silly debate across the country. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just a silly debate that’s caught on like wild fire. Who knows?

My brain automatically sees it as a cover up or a government conspiracy.

See, my Jayson was one of those and I think his skepticism rubbed off on me a bit. He was ready for the apocalypse, government takeover, the zombies, ect. He “trained” with a group of men one weekend a month in the art of all things tactical. He learned first responder techniques (and frequently practiced them on the girls and I), he had enough ammo to pay off our house (maybe), and spent evenings cleaning his guns and showing our daughter proper care and caution of firearms from the time she was about 4. He also had a “bug out” plan. In the event of a  government take over, we were to leave town with friends and head to an undisclosed location where we’d be safe. He did not, however, stockpile drums of MRE’s and flares, which he always reminded me we needed. He also insisted I learned to shoot even though I fought it.

I remember one particular conversation when I asked why he thought all this was necessary. He wanted to be prepared for the days of tribulations after the rapture if it came in our lifetime. I told him I was planning to be called home at that time. He was just planning on being left behind to help nonbelievers believe and fight with the Lords army.

He was a much better person than I. But, that was J,  always willing to stand up for those in need and always happy to share his faith. He lead more people to Christ just because he genuinely cared. That was his life’s purpose. I find that pretty amazing. He was a good man. I miss him and all his crazy theories.

And, for the record, I’m pretty sure he would have seen the dress as black and blue.

Kelly

Did you ever watch the show Mama’s Family? One episode has always stood out to me. Remember the one where they are robbed by the “Cleaning Bandit” and he turned the toilet tissue the “right” way where it’s running over the top of the roll? You probably don’t, but that stuck with me.

Why does it matter?

Fast forward many, many years to my marriage.

Jayson didn’t obsess over much. He was perfectly fine with throwing all his clean clothes in a pile on his side of the bed. He’d happily search through said pile daily for clean underwear and matching socks. He never complained (although it drove me nuts). This was totally normal to him.

When it came to the trash, he had the same motto as in college “he who maketh it topple over, taketh it out.” He quickly learned however, that the trash was “man’s work” because I refused to change the bag and he would gripe that I stuffed it too full. (I not so secretly did this to get back at him for the clothes.)

And then there were dishes. He maybe did the dishes 5-10 times in our entire 10 years of marriage. He wasn’t concerned with the state of the sink. There were more pressing matter’s to attend to such as swinging a golf club at nothing in the back yard.

You know, the important stuff….

Then, there was the ever present struggle of properly replacing the toilet paper. Now THAT got under his skin. He was an “over the top” guy and I am a “just replace the stupid thing” girl.

How we were married 10 whole years is beyond comprehension? But, somehow, we persevered.

If the roll ran out on his watch, he’d replace it the “correct” way. If it ran out on my watch, I’d replace it how it fell, he’d change it, then exclaim through the house “is it really that hard to put the toilet paper on the right way!?”

It was an ongoing struggle filled with internet memes, pictures, jokes and documentaries on properly replacing toilet paper. (Well, actually not that last one. But I did recieve many instructional lectures on the subject.) This was serious business to J. And well, I cared more about annoying him. It was just so much fun to watch him get so riled up over the state of his toilet paper.

Am I mean? Maybe. But it was fun.

I never understood why this direction of the toilet paper got him so worked up. Maybe it was because he spent so much time in the bathroom. Who knows. I do know, however, that I think about him every time I see a roll of toilet paper the “wrong” way and remember how much it irritated him when I purposely hung it that way.

Hope this post put a smile on your face and inspires you to be more playful in your relationships and less worried about the silly stuff!

Kelly

As kids, most of us dreamed about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I wanted to be a fashion model, walking the runways in Paris wearing designer clothes and just being fabulous.

That dream was short lived.

I’m five foot nothing and I like food.

Then I wanted to be on Broadway. I even applied at schools in New York before I realized that I was too practical to chase after something that would never be a sure thing. (I would not be a graceful “starving artist” type.)

So, I went the “practical” route. I enrolled at a school near home and declared my major as Public Relations. I wanted to travel, see the world and meet interesting people. That seemed like the way to do it.

Somewhere along the way, I met J and that all changed. My goals and dreams shifted to make room for our goals and our dreams for our life together. It only seemed reasonable that constant travel would not suffice when we had a family, so my dreams adjusted to fit into our new life.

Jayson always hated when I said that. But, I have never seen it as giving up what I wanted. I believe God changed my heart and allowed me to see a glimpse of what He had in store for my future.

So, for nearly 13 years, every decision I made was with J in mind. What I bought at the grocery. What kind of perfume I wore. What movie we watched. All these things I did with him in mind. He wasn’t controlling. He really could care less, actually. I just wanted to make sure he was happy and he did the same for me.

We still had our own interests independent from one another. He played paintball, golfed and camped with his buddies. I liked to read, shop and hang out with my girlfriends. We both had our own identity, but we were one.

Then he died.

When so much of who you are is wrapped up in another for so long, you become lost without them.

I prided myself on being Kelly, Jayson’s wife. I fed off his energy and passion. Now I’m Kelly, young widow and single mom. I really don’t know this woman at all. She looks like me, but she’s different. She has to be. She doesn’t have her Jayson anymore.

I’m an introvert by nature, but Jayson helped pull out my fun loving side. I am beginning to find that on my own. I’m starting to discover my new identity.

After J went to be with the Lord, I needed some change so, I got my hair done (something I rarely do BC I’m so frugal). I got a tattoo. I bought new clothes and started planning out ways to redecorate my house. I didn’t want to replace Jayson, but so much of what I had always done had been because I was practical. This new Kelly takes risks (after carefully considering what the outcome could be.) She’s adventurous and she speaks her mind.

I don’t have J to stand behind now, so I have to stand up for myself and my children. I have a sarcastic whit that I’ve only ever allowed Jayson to see. Some of my friends have really enjoyed this side of me that I’ve always been a little fearful of. I’ve learned to say no to the things I don’t want to do and to ask for help when I need it. I’ve learned it’s OK to not have all the answers all the time.

I don’t immediately recognize myself these days when I look in the mirror, but I like what I see. Through adversity, God has revealed to me a strong woman who can sail past whatever life throws her way. She’s not fearless, but knows God is in control and that eases those fears. She attempts to fight her battles with grace and wants to show her children that even though this was never a part of the plan, God will make it for His good.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

Proverbs 31:25-26

Thanks y’all!

Kelly