Numb.:
“Christmas is gonna be hard this year.”
“I just need to make it through the holidays.”
Numb.
“Momma, I miss my Daddy.”
“Where’s my Daddy?”
“I just want my Daddy.”
NUMB, NUMB, NUMB, NUMB, NUMB!!!!!
Except today. Today has been tears and more tears. Today, there’s no numbness, there’s just lots of stress and sadness.
I have 2 sick children. They’ve both been puny for the past week. In the early hours of the morning they both woke up in tears. One had severe ear pain and the other just screamed for hours and couldn’t tell me why. My first thought was to meltdown with them, but at 2am that accomplishes nada. So, after a brief battle with “I can’t do this” and “I wish J were here” I went numb. It’s something I just channel somehow. It seems to be my coping mechanism.
Needless to say, none of us slept well at all. However, we all need consistency, so off to school, work and the sitter we went.
An hour into my work day, I got “the call.” What makes this situation worse is that we STILL don’t have insurance. I’ve been hounding the insurance call center since September with no luck. I can take my kids to the Dr, but out if pocket expenses can really add up.
I hit my breaking point.
I was done.
I said some less than pleasant things to the insurance call center rep on the other end of the line while he tried his darndest to talk over me. They tell you nothing and talk in circles. It’s so frustrating! I wish I could numb myself to them… I think I will write my congressman.
Any who….
Although it helps me function, this numbness isn’t always good. People have been so kind and generous to my children and I. I’m always sincere in my gratitude, but I’m numb.
“Thank you for the card. It was beautiful” (polite smile).
“Thank you for including us in your outing” (another polite smile).
“That gift was very thoughtful” (yet another polite smile)….
Maybe you get the picture. I can’t respond to things with the emotion I once had. I think it makes others believe I am ungrateful. As if I didn’t care about their generosity .
This numbness keeps my guard up. I’m not the person I was 3 months ago. I can’t remember to call. I don’t always return texts. I don’t have time for nonsense and hurt feelings. I really don’t do small talk anymore and I’m more apt to keep to myself. It’s not that I’m trying to be insensitive, I just really don’t think anything of it. I have children that need me and they come first. Everyone and everything else is put on the back burner.
I’m numb.
I’m not numb because of the holidays. I’m numb because I lost part of me. I’m this way everyday. I know I’ll “get through” Christmas because I’ve gotten through everyday for the past 3 months he’s been gone. Christmas is just another day, just like Thanksgiving was. Sure, I love the meaning. Yes, I celebrate our Savior’s birth and I am passing the true meaning on to my girls, but I have yet to understand why such an emphasis is put on the holidays and getting through them.
I miss him EVERYDAY. I have to explain to a 2-year-old EVERYDAY that her Daddy’s in Heaven. I have to muster up the strength to console my hurting 6-year-old EVERYDAY. We make new memories without him EVERYDAY. I am trying to figure out who I am without Jayson EVERYDAY.
What’s one day worth of memories when I have the loss staring me in the face EVERYDAY?
AND…. I guess that’s why I’m numb. Who could deal with all this from day-to-day while feeling EVERYTHING? It would drive you crazy. You’d need superpowers! I cried when I heard an endearing story about someone helping a homeless man get back on his feet, but I didn’t when someone unexpectedly left gifts on my porch for my children. That bothered me.
Maybe I’m just numb to my own circumstance, or maybe God has just equipped me with what I need, when I need it so I can cope with mine and my children’s new season of life with some sort of grace. I don’t know. But, whatever it is, I know HE has given it to me and I will graciously accept it and glorify HIM through this storm and hopefully my family can be some kind of encouragement to others going through similar circumstances.
Thanks Y’all!
Kelly
“He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” †Psalm 91:4