Jayson’s heartbeat
One night while I was at work, J called to tell me that he and a co-worker were going to get tattoos. I pleaded with him not to. I was convinced that a visible tattoo would ruin our lives. Who would hire him? He’d never get a respectable job. We’d live in that tiny, 400 square foot apartment for life. How would we raise children there? I’m pretty sure I hyperventilated and paramedics had to be called. Well, not really, but you would have thought he was robbing a bank, not getting a tattoo.
I spent more time on the phone that night than actually working. When he finally told me he couldn’t go through with it I was relieved.
White House here we come! Woo Hoo!
He told me how he’d sat in the chair, they poked him once and he was done. He proclaimed it just hurt too bad and his co-worker mocked him for it. Then he stopped by my office. All the fears and worries of never being about to go out in public with him came running back when I saw the bandage around his left wrist. With the simple word “FORGIVEN” he had single-handedly set us on the road to ruin.
I cried. Not just a little, but in that overly dramatic way that a woman who has just realized that all her hopes and dreams were just crushed cries. J felt horrible. Undoubtedly, I was supposed to laugh and call him a wimp for not going through with it. I guess he didn’t know me that well back then. So, he did the best thing he could think of, he bought me a pretty bag. That was his “I’m sorry I screwed up our life” gift. It was pretty and pink, so I told him we’d invest in a nice watch to cover it up.
Fast forward about 10 years. Jayson had been wanting to get to words “FOREVER” tattooed on his right wrist to compliment his forgiven tattoo. I would never agree to it. One was enough for me. But after his second brain tumor diagnoses, I came around. I shared with him how I would go with him and get, in his handwriting, “LOVE YOU MORE” on my left wrist. He ran through our friends home telling everyone. He was super excited. The more we discussed it, though, the more I realized how horrible his handwriting actually was. “LOVE YOU BORE” was one of the ways a friend interpreted how it would appear. Nevertheless, I made a promise and I was keeping it.
The day he died, I knew it was coming. That was the day I would have to give the ok to put him on life support and that’s something he did not want. With all his crazy and spur of the moment things he did in his life, he was very clear on his final wishes. That Monday morning, I asked the doctors to delay taking him off the ventilator. I left the hospital to get a shower and change clothes. I didn’t wanna smell funny my last few hours with him. I went to Target with my entourage and purchased sharpies. He had always wanted his friend to design a tattoo for him and I figured he could just free hand one on the fly.
I had been back at the hospital only a few minutes when the nurses asked me to come up. They told me, in private, that he was going on his own, cried with me and told me how sorry they were that I was losing my best friend. (His nurses became friends to me in just a few days.) I put on my best face, walked into his room and asked his parents to tell him good night. I was tired and wanted to rest. I asked one of our pastors who was there to pray him home, then everyone was gone. It was just me and my J. I called our girls and had them tell him good night. They knew he was in a coma, but didn’t know what that meant. I showed him pictures and videos of our girls and although I was told he couldn’t see or hear, he cried when our girls were singing Jesus Loves Me. I read him Bible verses a friend had printed out and put in a jar by his bed. I sang to him. I can’t remember all the songs, but I know one was Even if the Healing Doesn’t Come and another was Give Me Jesus.
Then I remembered his tattoo. I called my friend and asked her to bring me my bag. My friend Amy handed me a sharpie and my other friend Amanda helped me hold Jayson’s ginormous hand while I wrote the word “FOREVER” on his right wrist. I then drew a little heart on his hand just because I knew it would annoy him. They helped me back into bed , put his arm around me and left. He took his last breath just moments later.
Our last hours together played out like a Lifetime movie. I had asked him to wait on me and he did. I asked him to allow me to be in his arms when he took his last breath, and he complied. He was awesome.
One month to the day, I fulfilled my end of the deal and got a tattoo. I have his final living heartbeat forever on my wrist. Everyday it still beats. Everyday it shows me he lived. His heart will forever be one with mine.
Thanks for letting me share my heart.
Kelly
- Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:34 NIV
My friends, Amanda and Brenda, who went with me.
Amanda had FOREVER tattooed in her hubby’s handwriting. They have an awesome testimony and this word has more power than any of us could have ever imaged. Brenda’s wasn’t real. She just wanted to freak out her husband.
Tough chicks
My littles needed tattoos like Mommy. Lulu said daddy would love them!
