*I wrote this a few weeks back. Just waited a while to post it.*
Today I did something big.
People congratulated me and seemed more excited at my accomplishment than I was.
It was very strange.
I made 2 ladies cry as I explained how I came to this point. As normal, I kept a straight face and told them it’s OK, that the girls and I have adjusted to life without any major complications. That this was all part of God’s plan and that we are moving forward.
As I walked out of the bank, I held back my tears. This was a huge deal, but it was so bittersweet not to have Jayson there smiling back at me and say “we finally did it. We are debt free.“
So, I celebrated, alone.
My shindig included a takeout lunch of a chicken baked potato and a sweet tea. I was gonna splurge on some banana pudding, but they were out. Then my day of putting away mounds of laundry scattered throughout my house was put on the back burner so I could catch up on Once Upon A Time, take a nap and eat way too many Hersey’s Nuggets with almonds. That was followed by a rush across town to pick up my girls because I overslept.
I guess you can call that a celebration of sorts, or maybe that’s just how I cope.
See, that was the last thing on my list. Jay and I were very prepared for the unthinkable. We discussed, in detail, what we’d do if one of us unexpectedly passed away. We knew who we’d name as beneficiaries, take over raising our kids, had enough life insurance to pay all our debt and then live a comfortably modest life. I told him that I’d want him to find love and be happy. He told me he wanted me to be sad and miserable forever. I laughed. He said he wasn’t kidding (he had a great sense of humor).
I have officially fulfilled my end of the deal. All of it. And, although I miss him dearly, I know he’ll always have a huge chunk of me that he took with him. I’m not saying I’m healed, far from it really, but I see now that God has plans for my girls and I that I would have never foreseen. Who knows, as a sweet friend recently said to me, “our husband’s could be in heaven looking down and playing match maker.” It’s a funny thought that makes me giggle every time it crosses my mind.
Now, all I have to do is raise my girls the best I can, try to find some time to figure out who I am now and hope I can clearly hear God’s instructions on where to go from here.
Easy peasy, right?
Kelly