I should change the screen saver on my phone. But, I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s a picture of Jayson and I when we first started dating. Smiling, happy, no worries, no one was sick. We were just us, hanging out at a pizza place with my sister. I don’t remember much else about that night, but that picture is all the memory I need.
That seems like a lifetime ago.
When I see pictures of Jayson, I feel as if someone else has taken over that life. It’s not mine anymore. Did that really happen? Were we really that happy? Did I really lay beside my best friend and the father of my children and feel him take his last breath? Surely that didn’t happen. He’s just at work. Any minute he’ll walk through the door, plop down in his chair and have our babies snuggling with him. Right?
My mind loves to play tricks on me.
It sucks.
I’m constantly reminding myself this is real life. This did happen and I am a strong woman who just continues to move forward. I can do this. J would be amazed by my strength and he would be beaming with pride.
It’s funny how looking down at a picture on my phone can spark so much emotion. Maybe I’ll leave it. It helps remind me I’m not going crazy. It let’s me know my life is real. But, most of all, it reminds me that true happiness and love exists and even if I never find that again, God allowed me to experience it and for that I’m grateful.
Now, I’m late for work and I’m sure the ladies in my office would appreciate me in the building instead of updating my blog from my car. Sometimes, you just have to stop and feel what you feel though. Have a great day y’all and Happy Friday! Sorry if I made you cry.
Kelly
*A friend just shared this quote with me. 