Starting over. Starting from scratch. New chapter. New beginnings. Fresh start.
No matter what you call it, it’s still unknown and unpredictable.
Some crazy college kids…
Jayson and I met when we were 19. We were best friends from the second we spoke. He had to move home for a semester for a shoulder surgery (he totally separated his shoulder playing FLAG football!!) and I drove 50 miles each way just to hang out with him.
He, however, persued me. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, nor did I want one. But, Jayson was the kind of person who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Eventually, he always got what he wanted. And, although I knew from the moment we met that I would marry him someday, he still had to convince me.
It’s always been hard to get my head and my heart to agree. I’m stubborn. I don’t always believe what my heart is trying to tell me.
So, fast forward 14 years and that fun loving, spirited, stubborn girl is now wiser, a single mom of 2, still fun loving and spirited, but a little broken.
Where do I go from here?
Well, let me fill you in on a highly guarded secret : I am clueless.
Shortly after Jay’s death, I feel the Lord opened my eyes and heart to the promise of new possibilities. Although, my head said “You are crazy. Do you actually believe YOU can find THAT again? You had it, it’s gone, deal with the fact you will be alone forever! No one wants your baggage!” I don’t feel those are Gods words though. Those are words of fear, words coming from not knowing what’s in store and maybe being fearful of the future. It’s way easier to shut everyone out and completely live inside yourself then it is to open yourself up to new possibilities, new beginnings.
For a while I felt extremely guilty. Why was I even allowing myself to think of ever dating again or eventually maybe even falling in love?
I started dreaming of Jay. The dreams were so real that when I woke up, I couldn’t see reality. Waking up alone, raising two girls by myself, dealing with everyday issues without him, that was the dream. Those dreams of him by my side made it really hard to cope and even function for that matter. I felt crazy.
I finally got up the nerve to tell one of my girlfriend’s and we both prayed for the dreams to stop. Funny, huh. All I’ve wanted was to have him back, go back in time, but now I’m asking God to take him away.
Well, the dreams stopped and with them came a sense of relief, but the guilt came sneaking back in. Satan likes to hold things against you. He wants you to be miserable, not God. Guilt for no reason, is not from the Healer, but from the enemy. So, I fought it.
I’m a fighter, so it seems.
Like I said, I’m still trying to figure out if I really believe what I say that comes from my heart.
Then, 2 days ago I dreamt of him again. This dream I knew was a dream, though it was so very real. I went to bed with thoughts of “what ifs” dancing around my brain. “What if I found someone? What would that look like? What would people say? Do I care what people would say? What about my girls? How would that work?” You get the point…. When I finally fell asleep, Jayson was there. He told me I had to let him go. I cried and said no, but he insisted. He said that God was waiting on him and he really wanted to go, so I had to let him. Then, we were at our sitters house (she promised J she’d take care of “his girl’s,” all of us). He just stood over her for a second, I don’t know if he spoke and I couldn’t figure out if she even knew he was there, then he climbed a ladder and disappeared.
I woke up with the most peace I’ve had in a while. I don’t know if that was God or J or my subconscious, who knows, but I’d like to think it was God allowing J to reassure me that we will be fine, that I am OK.
I smiled all day. I was giddy with the thoughts of new possibilities, of opening myself up again. I’m not saying I’m looking by any means, but if God presents someone to me, my eyes are open. I can’t get my head to agree with that, but my heart says, “why not?”
I’m working on believing what I say. I’m working on listening to my heart. It’s been 9 months and I’m still standing, so I guess I’m doing something right. Starting from scratch is scary. It’s unpredictable and I’m terrified. However, the possibilities are endless. It’s a beginning of a new story and I can’t wait to see how it plays out.
Kelly
Our stories make us stronger… All aboard brave souls. We move on, but we never, ever forget.
