Tonight, I beat my punching bag until my knuckles hurt. It didn’t help. I tried thinking it was Jayson and I was angry that he left me. But, that didn’t make me feel better either. So, I kicked it as hard as I could just to attempt to get the frustration and pain out. But it didn’t work. The pain is still there.
I’m learning that I hate this process.
For months I have been perfectly numb. Yes, I have my bad days, but I have had way more good ones. The numbness was like a bubble of protection shielding me from the brunt of the heartache and for some reason, that stupid bubble decided to pop and let all these emotions just creep up on me unexpected. I’m now, what I’ve deemed, “weepy.”
Everything makes me cry. It sucks.
I have arrived at my second stage of grief: bargaining/guilt.
Lucky for me, there’s no set time period or order these stages go in. Tomorrow, I could go right back into denial or being numb, but the sad fact is that I know I have to go through all these stages to process my grief and to be healthy and semi whole again. I may not like it, but I know it’s necessary. I fight the feelings of guilt and the what if’s that pass through my head and remind myself that I did what I was supposed to do. I didn’t do anything wrong. God knew the day and the hour he was going to call Jayson home and nothing I could’ve done would have stopped it. God’s plan is perfect, mine is flawed and no matter what I want or think, it’ll never be the other way around.
So, for now I’m weepy. I’m just trying hard to find the joy in everyday life, smile at strangers and not break down in the middle of the grocery store. It’s not easy, but what journey is?
Signing off for now,
Weepy, the dwarf who felt too much
