Ever have one of those days when you’re perfectly fine? You get up, get the kids to school, have a perfectly normal day at work, then BAM!, out of nowhere you have an anxiety attack driving back to the office after lunch.
That happens to everyone, right?
You get the urge to scream, but you can’t and you don’t know why. You’ve been fine. Sure, life isn’t all you’ve ever dreamed, but you’re managing. Or, are you? BOOM! In sneaks all your insecurities, all your fears, all the conversations you’ve had with your children where you were perfectly level headed, until that drive back to the office. Now you’re all alone and your thoughts can get the best of you.
The night before, your 7 year old tells you someone told her that one day, Jesus would come back and bring her Daddy back with him. She is very confused by this. You try to clarify, but all your 3 year old hears is that Jesus is bringing daddy home. She proceeds to jump up and down on the bed exclaiming how she can’t wait and how she hopes it’s tomorrow. No amount of explaining can convince her that her Daddy won’t be coming home tomorrow.
You cry yourself to sleep.
Your alarm goes off. You don’t know what day it is. You struggle to get out of bed 45 minutes later, yet still have a great morning with your children and everyone gets to where they need to be in great spirits.
You interact with people all morning. Work is hectic, your office is a bit disheveled from being so busy, but your fine despite the crazy. In fact, the crazy is keeping you sane! The less you can think about home, your kids, yourself the better. But, that didn’t last forever.
Images of that precious baby, bouncing on your bed in excitement creep in when you’re alone. And that, my friends, is what causes you to cry so hard in your car that an hour later your eyes still burn.
Just a typical day in the life of the grieving. They’re not all like this, but they want to be. See, it’s never ending. You hear a girl yell out Daddy and turn to see an embrace that your children don’t get. It’s unfair. Death is unfair. Being a single mom is unfair.
Life is unfair.
Listening to other people complain about petty things makes you wanna explode. Stop complaining and do something!
You just don’t get it unless you’ve been there. Don’t tell someone who’s grieving to “get over it” or “time heals” because it doesn’t work that way. You never get over it, you learn to live with the pain and the healing part, well that depends on the day. When you lose a part of you, it causes you to rethink everything about yourself.
Who are you? What do you do now?
The answers to those questions depend solely on you. As much as you want someone else to take the wheel, you are ultimately in control of your actions. No one can, nor should they, tell you how you should be.
As for me? Most days I’m fine. I get by. But, I never know when that MACK truck of emotion is going slam into me and make me a basket case. I hate it, but I’ve come to terms with it. Life is what it is. You just have to take it minute by minute and know that, one day, that “BAM” moment might just be a good surprise.
Kelly
“Blessed is the one who preserves under trial because having stood the test that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him” … John 1:12